Heartfelt and On Fire
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
She's someone who'd rather work to earn for the family than to rest her aches and relax at home.
She's someone who'd rather suck up the pain than spend money (which she says could be used somewhere more important) to get treated.
She's someone who'd keep saying 'yes' to people regardless of how tired or hurting she may be.
She's my mother.
She loves to bake, like most mothers do. :)
She sings (admittedly sometimes with a variety of voices, haha) to The Carpenters' songs and isn't afraid to throw in a few dance moves for fun.
She spends time tending the garden passed on by her own mother and considers it her mode of relaxation.
When I have friends over, she prepares special meals for us, insisting my friends to keep eating (you guys know this based on experience), even though she spends almost all day at work and has that little time to herself.
When people she's helped talk bad about her to others, I can see how hurt and betrayed she feels and I wonder how ungrateful and stupid people can be to switch loyalties so easily. After all she's done for you (and she doesn't even want to take credit), this crap is what you give her. Yeah, thanks. Your parents have raised you well.
When she tells us about her day, the things she had to do and the amount of travelling she had to endure to make others happy (and avoid conflict), it is I who want to shout at those who burden her so much. My mother isn't getting any younger, and you simply can't expect one person to do everything. Yet she still finds the will to smile and even lectures me about my feelings towards them. Apparently, it's wrong for me to ache in behalf of my mother.
It's not that we get along 100%. I'm quite the hard-head, and there are times I really want to get my way. There times when a single word I say ticks her off and starts a silent war, only to be broken a little later in the day. I know I've had a lot of bad-kid moments, and by no means will this post clean the red on my ledger.
This is more than a greeting for my mother. This is my defense, my protective shield, my no-barriers-held rant for her that will hopefully open the eyes of people she gets to interact with everyday, that she isn't a robot, she isn't immortal, she isn't as young as she used to be, and she most definitely isn't a slave of anybody. She entertains you because she wants to and cares for you, not because it's her obligation. Don't go around feeling like you made her do something for you. She did it willingly, because she has a big heart and doesn't tire of lending a hand.
My mom will probably be dismayed (angry, even) that I posted this, and this post may or may not start conflict in our different relationships, but to you who know my mom personally and who see that all I have said here are true - thank you. Thank you for seeing my mom's true worth, and not the value placed on her by other people. Thank you for realizing that she has her own family, a family who yearns for her time, her time which she selflessly gives to other people. Thank you for realizing that as her daughter, my need to bond with my mom, go shopping with her, have a heart to heart talk are incredibly important.
Remember, your comfort is in exchange for my mom being away from us, her family.
Your comfort means my mom's physical body aches.
We were taught as kids to be mindful of others, and to respect the elderly.
Ninety-nine percent who will read this are no doubt older than me, and I know will tell me that I have no right to judge or tell them off, that I don't know the whole picture or story. I understand your lament. After all, who would want to be in the receiving part of this rant? I wouldn't. However, I tell this in my own words, the way I see it from my mother's face when she comes home every night, the way my heart falls when she talks about her day, the way I explode inside when people look down on her.
She is my mother.
She won't want this post to ever reach the concerned people, but I want to, for her sake. I am in no way disrespecting my elders, family, and friends with this. It's a topic I've been meaning to get off my chest for years.
My mom may think I don't feel her pain, that I don't realize what she's going through. I just want her to know that even just a bit, I do. Call it a daughter's connection with her mother. I just do.
To my family and friends, to everyone who will get to read this, know that I love you and I mean no disrespect. I reiterate: I am not trying to disrespect you. I love you enough to tell you how I feel and be raw with my emotions. I love you. If this offends you, I am deeply sorry, and please don't take it personally. I love you, but I love my mother, father, and brother more and I will do anything and everything to make them happy.
Happy birthday mom. I love you.
(I'm making you a cheesecake when you get back! Haha. And maybe something else too.)