#79: Day 1 – Secrets

Saturday, February 26, 2011

What is that thing that no one, not even your partner, your mother or your best friend, knows about you?

Not to be rude, but why would I broadcast such a heavy secret to people across the net? Okay, maybe I won’t share my deepest secret, but I could tell you guys something else. Something more general.

I have a million secrets that can affect everyone around me. If you talked with me all the time or saw me everyday at school, you’d think I was living life easy, and that I always said what needed to be said, and did what needed to be done. I’m that kind of person who is great at appearances. But that’s another lie.

I have a secret that can maybe make others avoid me. I have a secret that would probably affect the happiness and easy bond of my family. I have a secret that would make me look like a fool in front of other people. I hate the thought that my personality is just me playing the role of what I’m supposed to be. Every parent wants an always cheerful, helpful daughter, so I do that. Every friend needs someone who can always cheer them up even if she’s feeling down herself. People sometimes need me to be numb to my feelings, and somehow, I’ve become an expert at this.

It was a struggle at first of course, but the more I had to take on the numbness, the better I became. Now, I don’t even flinch when someone hurts me really bad, or when someone insults me in my face. All I do is smile faintly and leave. Even if I get hurt by what my friends say to me, covering up my emotions is easy. But I don’t really want that anymore. Just because you’re good at something, it doesn’t mean you like doing it. That’s how I feel most of the time.

I pity myself so much. People think nothing bothers me, so they continue to hurt me knowingly and unknowingly because I won’t even bother telling them how hurt I was. Maybe they do notice and stop, but I’m too much of a coward to admit that to them.

I really wish people around me would notice my hurts. I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore. I’m so stressed out all the time, but it may not show ‘cause I’m always smiling. What If I try looking glum? Would that change anything? Maybe not.

With this secret comes paranoia. When people start acting different with me, I ALWAYS think that I had something to do with it. I have an elderly friend at church who smiled and laughed with me before but now always looks snobbish when I come. I tried testing if she was just stressed out that day or had a lot on her mind but she still reacted coldly. So now I’m thinking, maybe she’s mad at me for something I did or she just hated me one day and decided to be cold towards me. What happened? I don’t remember hurting her. From what another close friend told me, she was the one who hurt my dad. And that got me to another reason that maybe she was avoiding me because she felt guilty. But really? If I were guilty I wouldn’t stay away. I’d do everything to win that person back.

Ah. This post has become longer than I wanted it to be. But thanks for hearing me out. Whoever you are. :) This is why I love blogging. I get to talk to anyone who’d care to listen to my problems and worries.

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